The Princess Perspective

The Ugly Truth

Posted on July 28, 2009. Filed under: Uncategorized |

Women marry men hoping to change them while men marry women hoping they’ll never change. This, my friends, IS the Ugly Truth. So, what do we do with things that are ugly? We give them an extreme makeover, of course. Now I’m not suggesting that we try and change the men and women we’re sharing our pillows with. According to the Ugly Truth itself, that effort would be futile. Rather, I’m offering that if we change the way this Ugly Truth reads, a little perspective update, the Ugly Truth could turn into quite the looker.

To effectively script this blog, I thought it would be helpful to call on some of my girlfriends’ husbands and find out what it is that their wives have changed; in spite of their best manly efforts. They swore me to secrecy in some strange “boy scouts in the treehouse secret handshake” sort of way and I of course, crossing my fingers behind me, batted my twice coated black lashes in a very convincing “I promise”. Here are my top 5 fave confessions:

1. “She cuts her hair shorter and shorter after every kid. I want a big family but honestly, I’m scared shitless my wife is going to pull a Britney soon and shave the damn thing off. I mean, seriously, if she wants to go bald, could she not take a razor to the bush?”
2. “Fat. She used to store fat in her tits and ass. Now she’s just fat. Not hot, grab onto something juicy while she rides me fat but just fucking fat. I was tricked. She’s mean.”
3. “She used to be my girlfriend. Then she became my wife. Now she’s my mom except I have sex with her. I’m feeling a little sick now.”
4. “Where oh where has my Playboy bunny gone? Where oh where can she be? She’s tired and has a headache and her legs are scratchy and she spends her days wiping poo and pee.”
5. “I can’t tell you ‘cause the evil sorcerer woman is always watching. She’ll take the DS away and make me wax my back.”

To even out the playing field, I asked the girl’s club as well. Here’s what they said they wish they could change about their men:
1. “Everything!”
2. “He’s forgotten foreplay. He used to actually try to arouse me. Now he seems to think I’m like the cum faucet; gush on demand.”
3. “His diet rivals that of my garborator. He’s practically septic.”
4. “His idea of a romantic getaway is dinner at his mom’s house – alone.”
5. “He spends OUR extra coin on the low mileage car no one is allowed to drive, the limited edition video games no one is allowed to play and the rare KISS memorabilia I must dust.”

Good sharing girls and boys!

Now I’m no therapist but seeing as I am in an open marriage, so to speak, with close to half a million serial daters, I know a thing or two about healthy hookups. One of those things is that we spend way too much time and energy focusing on our partners’ flaws rather than our own.It is far easier, and for the weak, far more interesting to harp on our significant other’s deficiencies than admit that we too have traded up our seductive secret sauce for a sloppy serving of “who cares”. A fine and fair stab at humanity as a whole, but how does this relate back to the romantic plague that is the Ugly Truth? I’ll tell you how. Stop expecting your partner to change and make a valiant effort to keep yourself in check.

Remember that you are entitled to being the person you were before you got into this ho-hum attachment. Remember that your other half would consider him/herself duped if you suddenly changed the script and lost sight of the person you were when you first laid eyes and hands and unmentionables on eachother. Playing dress-up can be seriously sexy so long as when we undress, we find something inviting and recognizable.

Obviously, we evolve overtime. We grow as people, expand our horizons East and West and even our appendages go South. At the core though, we should still be who we were on that very first date and make it a priority to uphold the standard that our partner has come to expect; the standard that we had set. Ever wonder why when someone cheats, they usually seek out someone who looks just like the person they’re cheating on? This “I lost my old and fun self somewhere on the way up the corporate ladder or along the carpool lane in the minivan” is to blame. A good place to start your soul searching is on Route 69; if you know what I mean. Many fun, rambunctious and scandalous people have found their ghosts there.

As for wanting to change your partner into something that they never were – take the lab coat off; you’re not qualified to run any animal trials. Why not just find someone who you are actually compatible with? Why not ditch the notion that you should sell yourself short because the institutional clock of marriage is ticking? At EstablishedMen.com you can drop that heavy load of disappointment weighing you down and get into something a lot more comfortable; like a mess of bed sheets with someone you find perfectly perfect as they are.

Ugly as the Truth may be, our refusal to go under our own knife and our deep-routed need to slice up our entourage is the ugliest beast of all. Now I need to go blog about Dr. Thomas Bell; my favourite slicer and dicer of them all.

Chat soon,
Simone xoxo

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