Taylor Swift, who btw, I’m going to be when I grow up, wrote this little anthem called Fifteen. Something genius about how “when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them”. Not fifteen anymore and although I’ll never let go of the cotton candy love that was T+S forever, I now know better and pick my kicks with a little (little) more discretion. The team of men, above-noted, who make up my fan base (or who I’m a huge fan of) all have two things in common. One, their existence, at least while in my presence, is all about me, me, me and making me look and feel gorgeous, and two, experts in their respective fields, they all know damn well what they’re talking about. It’s ok to buy into their propaganda! Oh, do I have a penchant for assertiveness. Mix it with a heavy dose of flattery and I’m a giggling 15 year old me all over again.

Short note but the point is simple. Whether you’re dining her or dressing her, flying her or flattering her, throwing it in the bag or throwing her on her back, for effect, just do it and say it like you mean it. Any senior can toss out a “haven’t seen you around here before”. A real man knows just how to say it to make a real woman wanna stay.

Once upon a more intelligent time, in fact, basically since the beginning of time, people married to perpetuate the financial and political mandates of the involved families.  Marriages were arranged in order to promote the success of each family; a sort of mercenary union, the original merger and acquisition.  Love may or may not have ensued but divorce certainly did not.  Today, it seems, marrying for dollars and common “cents” is less admirable than marrying for romance and yet divorce is at an all time high.   Actually, marrying for love is not only admired but set as our greatest goal; the one that I am certain,  prevents us bright and capable women from never achieving that other little goal – having it all.

Having it all and being responsible for it all are two very different things yet somehow, this is the stupidity of the myth of love and its cloud of delusion that women continue to buy into everyday.  Rather than marrying the man who offers greener pastures, we marry the man who offers the gaze of green eyes.  Then, years later, we’re stunned and horrified when we discover his gorgeous green eyes have nothing behind them and have been spending “late nights at the office” starring down the bursting bosom of a younger and hotter us.  It’s like being shocked and upset when you don’t win the lottery.  At least you had the sense to not put every one of your hard earned pennies into the sweaty palm of the quickie mart clerk in exchange for that ticket to poverty.

I admit that sometimes, green-eyed gaze guy may offer something more than a life of doing it all.  By this I mean the high and mighty opportunity to work all day, cook and clean all night, bear and raise his children, age, wrinkle, and be merry.  Green-eyed gaze guy may be somewhat intelligent and even willing to put down his GameBoy to notice that you’ve been spending your free time (the little that you’re left with) noticing the younger hotter version of him.  Or, he may be downright perfect and 40 years into your marriage, Viagra free, the two of you will still be hanging from the chandeliers, albeit lucite and not crystal.  Congratulations if this last sounds like you.  You’re a social anomaly and all at once, the most awe and barf inspiring thing known to man (women actually).

So, women who can do it all – do your homework and invest wisely.  Bank on the guy who will provide the greatest return.  And if it is illustrious love that you’re after, you can love him for being Established – smart, charismatic, successful, generous and your greatest supporter; whatever you’d like that to mean.

Sub note:  If my darling husband is reading this, worry not.  We are among the awe and barf inspiring and I love you.

You clearly learned your lessons well.  You’re doctors, lawyers, entertainers, executives, professionals, hard working, and successful men.  Seems that no matter how much you managed to file under education, you likely missed the most important lesson you will ever learn: How to Make Teacher Hot for You.

I recently received a comment to one of my blogs, from a high school English teacher named Danielle.  She confessed to hitting a major roadblock out on the dating scene leading her to believe that a true lady cannot meet a real man at a bar.  Considering her profession, she couldn’t even risk trying any longer.  She’s setup a profile here at EstablishedMen.com and now has impressive and desirable men approaching her.  Thing is, a ruby red apple just won’t cut it and she’s looking to give out an A+.

Lessons 1 through 1000000:  Character is Key

No matter what you look like in your profile picture and what clever moniker you may have chosen for your screen name, the content of your profile bio will make or break the deal even before anyone’s sat down at the negotiating table.  Character is key and can’t be hidden under the rug.  The beautiful women of EstablishedMen.com are all looking for the same thing; a balanced blend of humor, charm and above all, CONFIDENCE.  Be clear about who you are, what you do, what you have to offer that your competition doesn’t and state it all with strength and wit.  Your profile could read as a wanted ad as one top-rated Established Man once did.  Another made a list of characters from movies he was most like and then proceeded to offer a quick synopsis of the blockbuster he was casting the starring role for.  These profiles were intriguing, compelling and left the women of EM wanting more.  Self-indulgent maybe, but tell me, what’s sexier than a man (or woman even) who knows what they are and can flaunt it all the while knowing just the right moment to throw in a sprinkling of schtick?  Go off the deep end of self-promotion and you’ll sink like a lead zeppelin.  Temper your conceit with comicality and creativity and you’re guaranteed to come off as well-rounded, approachable and proof that someone up there was listening when she begged for the perfect man.  Remember, character is what one is; reputation is what one is thought to be by others.

Assuming that this works, you’re bombarded with beautiful women throwing their digital underpinnings at you and you finally select one or even a few more than a few, to meet, keep the following close to heart.  (Write it on the sweaty palm of your hand if you need to):

• She’s the only woman in the room
• She’s even more beautiful in person (be specific, eyes/hair…)
• Ask her about her day and reference it to find some common ground
• Do tell her about yourself (family, successes,  only one thing you’re working on)
• Do NOT talk about previous relationships unless asked and even then, talk about what you’ve taken away from it rather than admitting that you still sob yourself to sleep every night
• Find out what she has planned for herself and acknowledge her sense of purpose and enterprise
• Allow her to remind you of your earlier self, on the brink of greatness; just like her.
• Let her know that you may have some interesting ideas which could help her with her “…” and that you’d love to get together again to talk about it, if she’d like.
• Share a secret – you’re establishing a level of intimacy
• Hold her gaze a little longer than expected
• Follow her lead and invade her personal space by no more than a hair, when you feel she’s welcoming it
• Hold open doors, pull out chairs and stand up while she walks away from a table to use a restroom
• Do not feel as though you need to turn off your cell phone but do obviously ignore incoming calls so to say that where you are is the only place you want to be
• Befriend her pets
• If at a unique restaurant, be daring and try what she’s ordering.  If she likes it, it must be good, right?
• Be cordial to those around you and if appropriate, tip generously
• Offer a small gift; generous in nature but relevant to something she may have mentioned in a previous online conversation.
• Manscape!!!  Groomed hair, nails and skin are imperative.  Clean ears, nostrils and fresh breath are non-negotiables.  Clothing should be pressed if required. Body hair is a breeding ground for gross
• Laugh together – ah, something in common
• Find out what her idea of a perfect date is and plan to surprise her with it on date #2.
• Have a non-expired condom on hand (I don’t mean in your hand and ready to use when you first meet)
• If the meeting does end in the bedroom, pace yourself, give and you shall receive, for heaven’s sake, do NOT ask “how was it?”
• Next blog will be about sexcapades with a femme fatale.  Don’t worry.
• HAVE FUN

Do keep an eye out for Danielle.  All this extra credit is sure to count for something.

In the interim, life is very fabulous with my rockstar kids and hubby, uber-successful EstablishedMen.com and my reality TV show, New York Confessions, set to air this fall and starring, MOI!  Lots to do and a million people to meet – still no business cards to hand out.  You know that’s all I’ve ever wanted, eh – pretty and pink business cards which I could use to shamelessly promote whatever definition of myself I’d choose to accept and maybe even live up to.  I can’t tell you how many business cards I’ve collected over the years and how many google images of cardstock I’ve trolled through, trying as hard as I possibly could to find one, the one, which would inspire the business card I would use to loudly and proudly say “I AM”.  What’s up with that?  Why do we so desperately need to define ourselves by a word, a title, a limiting label?  Funny that as I’m writing this, my best girlfriend ever, H, called to tell me that she just had her business cards printed.  Regardless of how many truly sensational manuscripts she’s written, only now with a floral business card in hand, is she an AUTHOR!  Congrats H, you have arrived to the amazing place I know you’ve been at forever.

I, on the other hand, arrived at the office today, with my sad suspicions confirmed.  Louie, the Shopper’s Drug Mart guy who has never helped me find my favourite “girl looking for a deal” beauty basics,  but always says “hi” and notices when my hair has gone through some very fertile growth spurt, stepped into my subway car on his way to his daily ritual of pummeling some helpless soul to the ground  with his fancy Muay Thai skills.  That’s right shoppers, Louie can help you find the perfect cheap chapstick and kill the man who didn’t buy you stock in Sephora.  Anyhow, he asked where I was heading and after I told him all about EM and all the other things I do when I’m not searching for that much needed undereye concealer (26 and counting), he asked for a business card.  My chest was pounding, my palms were glowing (gals don’t sweat, remember) and with my heart in my throat, I said “oh, I don’t have one”.  Before I could offer up my usual stuttering excuse, Louie interrupted.  “No business card.  Well then I don’t believe you.”  I will not even dare attack the artificial sense of security he feels when wearing his little red, plastic Louie (not to be confused with Louis as in Vuitton)name tag because really, all the guy did was hand me a fistful of my own insecurities, and he seems like a pretty decent guy; not to mention, lethal.  So, at the top of my to do list today is, GET A BUSINESS CARD, DAMN IT!!!  But what will it say?

And so the usual and inevitable process of “who am I and who am I not” begins.  H says I should just print up cards with my signature and contact information because I am whatever I want to be on any given day, not withstanding public holidays and other awful days when the malls are closed and when I am only “mom”.  I like the idea.  Cool and mysterious.  The other possibility is to offer up an opportunity to my loving and hating public.   If you had to pick me out of a line up, identifiable only by my business card, how would it read?

I realize that I’m opening up the floodgates of venom that spew daily from the anonymous fingers of my critics (often at around 2 in the morning – when if you’re awake, you should be having random and raunchy sex and not thinking about me; or even while thinking of me).  Should make for good fun though.  Oh, and if you’re wondering, the title of this blog was inspired by one such obsessed and unassured, irrelevant and weak individual who calls me “Thornhill Heidi Fleiss Mom”.  How does that look on pink?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

To effectively script this blog, I thought it would be helpful to call on some of my girlfriends’ husbands and find out what it is that their wives have changed; in spite of their best manly efforts. They swore me to secrecy in some strange “boy scouts in the treehouse secret handshake” sort of way and I of course, crossing my fingers behind me, batted my twice coated black lashes in a very convincing “I promise”. Here are my top 5 fave confessions:

1. “She cuts her hair shorter and shorter after every kid. I want a big family but honestly, I’m scared shitless my wife is going to pull a Britney soon and shave the damn thing off. I mean, seriously, if she wants to go bald, could she not take a razor to the bush?”
2. “Fat. She used to store fat in her tits and ass. Now she’s just fat. Not hot, grab onto something juicy while she rides me fat but just fucking fat. I was tricked. She’s mean.”
3. “She used to be my girlfriend. Then she became my wife. Now she’s my mom except I have sex with her. I’m feeling a little sick now.”
4. “Where oh where has my Playboy bunny gone? Where oh where can she be? She’s tired and has a headache and her legs are scratchy and she spends her days wiping poo and pee.”
5. “I can’t tell you ‘cause the evil sorcerer woman is always watching. She’ll take the DS away and make me wax my back.”

To even out the playing field, I asked the girl’s club as well. Here’s what they said they wish they could change about their men:
1. “Everything!”
2. “He’s forgotten foreplay. He used to actually try to arouse me. Now he seems to think I’m like the cum faucet; gush on demand.”
3. “His diet rivals that of my garborator. He’s practically septic.”
4. “His idea of a romantic getaway is dinner at his mom’s house – alone.”
5. “He spends OUR extra coin on the low mileage car no one is allowed to drive, the limited edition video games no one is allowed to play and the rare KISS memorabilia I must dust.”

Good sharing girls and boys!

Now I’m no therapist but seeing as I am in an open marriage, so to speak, with close to half a million serial daters, I know a thing or two about healthy hookups. One of those things is that we spend way too much time and energy focusing on our partners’ flaws rather than our own.It is far easier, and for the weak, far more interesting to harp on our significant other’s deficiencies than admit that we too have traded up our seductive secret sauce for a sloppy serving of “who cares”. A fine and fair stab at humanity as a whole, but how does this relate back to the romantic plague that is the Ugly Truth? I’ll tell you how. Stop expecting your partner to change and make a valiant effort to keep yourself in check.

Remember that you are entitled to being the person you were before you got into this ho-hum attachment. Remember that your other half would consider him/herself duped if you suddenly changed the script and lost sight of the person you were when you first laid eyes and hands and unmentionables on eachother. Playing dress-up can be seriously sexy so long as when we undress, we find something inviting and recognizable.

Obviously, we evolve overtime. We grow as people, expand our horizons East and West and even our appendages go South. At the core though, we should still be who we were on that very first date and make it a priority to uphold the standard that our partner has come to expect; the standard that we had set. Ever wonder why when someone cheats, they usually seek out someone who looks just like the person they’re cheating on? This “I lost my old and fun self somewhere on the way up the corporate ladder or along the carpool lane in the minivan” is to blame. A good place to start your soul searching is on Route 69; if you know what I mean. Many fun, rambunctious and scandalous people have found their ghosts there.

As for wanting to change your partner into something that they never were – take the lab coat off; you’re not qualified to run any animal trials. Why not just find someone who you are actually compatible with? Why not ditch the notion that you should sell yourself short because the institutional clock of marriage is ticking? At EstablishedMen.com you can drop that heavy load of disappointment weighing you down and get into something a lot more comfortable; like a mess of bed sheets with someone you find perfectly perfect as they are.

Ugly as the Truth may be, our refusal to go under our own knife and our deep-routed need to slice up our entourage is the ugliest beast of all. Now I need to go blog about Dr. Thomas Bell; my favourite slicer and dicer of them all.

Chat soon,
Simone xoxo

This month (although it is July, its August in magazine world), a very popular women’s mag, published a quick piece on the reemergence of moonlighting . They profiled Nadia, 28 years young from New York City. Her Polaroid is actually rather cute; soft cascade of tendrils framing her bright white smile and rosy cheeks. By day, she’s a book editor. Of course, I’m only making assumptions but I think it is more than fair to presume that a book editor, in New York albeit, is somewhat intelligent and possibly even educated. Why would she then, a beautiful and successful professional resort to peddling goat cheese on a smelly farm all weekend long? Here’s why:

First off, Nadia is an attractive and professional 28 year old woman. I don’t need to tell you just how unappealing a 28 year old boy who deems a day “f’n awesome” if he found enough time to scratch his overexposed balls while out farting with the rest of the guys, can be to a women of Nadia’s caliber. Nadia, likely doesn’t have a real man in her life because, honestly; a good man (her age) is hard to find.

Second, Nadia , regardless of her resilient work ethic (she attests to living an isolated existence while cooped up in an office “all week long”), is obviously underpaid. Now, I’m not going to get into why it is that some of the most valuable members of our workforce, yes, women, are so embarrassingly under compensated. I will say that until we can take our proper place in society, at the top of the totem pole, right next to the good and Established Men we so desire, there is a better way to pad our Prada pocketbooks than selling Crohn’s-approved animal by-products.

What Nadia needs, as do apparently 2 million other American women, is an Established Man. Why work at selling cheese all weekend long, when you can spend it enjoying an intimate cheese and wine tasting at the vineyard? Why forgo the pursuit of passion just to make a few extra bucks when you can actually live out your dreams with a well-paid top dog who’s got a passion for making you happy?

There is great honor in being an independent woman and holding up your own fort. I for one wear many hats over the course of my long days. Thing is, I wear them because I want to, not because I have to and although I wear them well, I have no shame in admitting that my Established Men was the shopping buddy that helped put them on my pretty little head, full of fabulous and wealth-generating ideas. Being a strong and independent woman is not about isolating yourself from Mankind just so you can say “I got it”. Like any good team leader, a strong and independent woman needs to recruit a great team. I did and look where it got me. So, moral of the story, be the leader of your own winning team. Draft a star player (not the bar-trolling kind but the Established man kind) and stop moonlighting when you can just as easily dine by the light of the moon – goat cheese anyone?

Beyonce’s reinvention is actually nothing of the sort and certainly not even remotely worthy of Madonnaesque accolades. Rather than adopt an exotic accent, introduce us to a new sound, invest in a trend-setting wardrobe, she’s gone off and married a rapper convicted of stabbing a record producer (is that what they mean by networking?) and released a 2-CD album where she tortures herself with her contradictory introspective journeys, very reminiscent of Sylvia Plath’s famed Bell Jar. “I’m a woman, I’m a victim. I’m a woman, I’m so fierce….”

Lets be clear. I have no problem with a woman being multi-dimensional. In fact, a woman and any human being for that matter, is and should be. We can get into my definition of what the modern day matriarch is, a little later though. What I find so perplexing and unpalatable is Ms. Knowles’ need to define each element of her persona with an actual name. When urban, strong and wearing nothing but a leotard equipped with motorcycle fixings and her own set of handle bars miraculously growing out of her tits, she’s “Sasha”. When emotional, sensitive and affected, she’s simply “Beyonce”. Sasha vs. Beyonce; as if one woman can’t be accountable for everything that she is and does. How progressive is that?

Now, I’m not dismissing that heady and intoxicating mix of pipes, hips and moves. Sure, she’s arguably one of the most talented and valuable entertainers her industry knows today. I too have been taken captive by her velvety voice and her bewitching curves – maybe I’ve even spent some time imagining myself perched atop those mountainous and miraculous mounds of booty – maybe. Bountiful booty aside, daddy’s little girl has missed the mark on this reinvention and rather has left embarrassing and indelible evidence of her own female insecurities and prehistoric views of women. Ok B, really? Time to stop playing house and grow up.

The all powerful feminine essence is simple to define. It is sophisticated and sensual, complex and aware. It is courageous and coy, darling and dangerous. It is shoulder pads and trousers, black thongs and patent stiletto boots. It is domestic and wild, whispering and blaring. The ultimate female essence is the strength to accept and announce all that a woman truly is, all at once.

My goal when I launched EstablishedMen.com was to create a space where women could finally hear the force of their own voices and enjoy the standing ovations that the most desirable men on the planet would offer them. I committed myself to empowering women to own up to their dreams and help them find the men who would find supreme satisfaction in helping such women see their dreams through. A truly perfect princess, a woman worth every cent of an EstablishedMan, can be anything she wants on any given day. She feels confident standing on the shoulders of her EstablishedMan knowing very well that she is still standing on her own two feet. We have the right to marry for love. We have the right to marry for money. We have the right to marry for both or not at all. We have the right to be who we innately are and I challenge the women of EstablishedMen to do just that.

So, you want progressive? Turn the music off and start singing your own accolades. They will be soon.

The saying goes “first you work for your name and then your name works for you”; the fundamental concept behind that machine that is modern day branding.  So, the question is: What’s in a name and does the name Wrinkly Scrotum Broker work for me?

Rewind some 3 odd weeks.

My husband, cordially known as THE Established Man who provided me with the experiences and network needed to launch EstablishedMen.com, whisked me off to Sin City for a week of healthy debauchery tempered by hours upon hours and shop, sun and sleep.  During 2 such hours, we had the pleasure of sitting front row center at the Palazzo to see “Making Shit Up”, hosted by and starring my good friend and comedian, Grammy-nominated Wayne Brady.

If you’ve ever seen him on Who’s Line Is It Anyway, a sketch comedy meets game show bit, you’ll appreciate the platform of Making Shit Up.   With the help of willing audience members and their random and often racy contributions, Wayne digs deep into his genius to improvise skits and songs; periodically as some crazy celebrity – In my case, MC Hammer.

Wayne prompted the crowd to suggest interesting occupations he could use for his Time Music Infomercial  skit.  An opportunity to shamelessly promote myself?  Don’t you know I was practically standing on my head with my canary yellow chiffon dress down at my head too, trying to get his attention.  Ok, not really but sidebar: the dress was soooo hot!  Anyhow, I was summoned to the stage where I got to brag all about EstablishedMen.com – for a really really long time, and so the serenade was inspired.

“Wrinkly Scrotum Broker”, as MC Hammer, to the tune of Hammer Time.  I can’t remember exactly what the lyrics were but I do clearly recall Wayne prancing from side to side a la Hammer, with his microphone dangling between his knees.  I suppose this was his attempt at driving home the Wrinkly Scrotum point.  Point taken and got me thinking about what EstablishedMen.com is and how misunderstood it continues to be.

EstablishedMen.com is a service catering to beautiful and ambitious women seeking to meet successful and generous men.  My EstablishedMan is 35 years old.  He is gorgeous, well built (and hung – nothing wrinkly on my favourite parts).  He is educated, well-respected, elegant.  My EstablishedMan is driven and creative, resourceful and relevant.  He is in control of his destiny, living the dream.  My EstablishedMan is funny, charming, cultured, talented and supremely affluent.  He is respectful, generous, spontaneous and damn sexy.  My EstablishedMan is my husband, my best friend and my partner and the very type of man that women will meet on EstablishedMen.com.

I’m not sure why people so often assume that the Sugar Daddy/Baby relationship is one between a naïve and prepubescent girl and an old rich man.  On the contrary – the perfect sugar baby is a woman of substance; confident and goal-oriented, wise beyond her years, vivacious and inspiring.  Only this type of woman could successfully hold her own amongst the sophisticated entourage that comes with and EstablishedMan. The ideal EstablishedMan is the Alpha Male; superior in every way, shape and form.  This type of man need not wait until his 70’s to truly earn his fortune.  He was on the verge right out of the womb.

So, Wrinkly Scrotum Broker – just another name to add to the list.  I suppose the only real way to escape it would be to add a complete physical to my already lengthy vetting process.  Hey Wayne, bend over.

I haven’t forgotten any of you though and have been spending most of my little alone time (thank you for planes, trains and automobiles) looking rather foolish talking my blogs out loud (can you imagine the reactions I get when calling out things like “pimp”, “prostitution” and “sugar daddy” in public).  I have so much that I want to discuss with you and in due time my rants will turn into your go-to place for everything from the inside scoop on life as a now EstablishedWoman, advice on how to finally get the partner and lifestyle of your dreams and a voice – your voice, loud and clear.

EstablishedMen.com currently operates with the help of a talented staff of about 30.   Together, we take care of everything from the financial and technical nitty gritty to our mega watt marketing programs coming soon to a flat screen near you.  The most important member of our team, however; is you.  My Perfect Princesses and my EstablishedMen; you are the fuel to the blinding flame that is this company.  It is my commitment to show you that the most extravagant dreams are attainable and can even wither in comparison to what is possible.  I’ve made it my personal mission to release women from the captivity of their own self deprecating thoughts and the suffocating expectations which our own girlfriends have of us.  I will redefine what it means to be a woman, a strong woman and together, we’ll make short skirts the new shoulder pads.  My EstablishedMen will finally meet their match – a beautiful and vivacious woman who will turn heads and reinvigorate your own zest for life.  Bring on the ginseng ‘cuz you’re gonna need the stamina, gentlemen!

Relevant, confident and progressive people don’t judge others and certainly don’t judge themselves.  They know what they want.  I know where to get it.  Right here, at EstablishedMen.com.